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kap · Last edited by kap on Tue Mar 27, 2007 1:14 am; edited 3 times in total

Today's Lost Levels Virtual Console Alternative is the previously unreleased Thomas the Tank Engine & Friends, by THQ. The game is of course based on the children's television show of the same title.

In an effort to more adequately and more realistically review this game, I've decied to strip down to nothing and put on a diaper. It proved to be a wise decision, as I eventually did "make a doodoo" during the course of this review. You would have done the same, dear reader, if you too had the sudden realization that this was possibly THQ's best NES game.

Of course, this is NES-era THQ we're talking about, so the number one reason it can be given that high level of praise is that this isn't a game, or even a series of mini games. It's just a bunch of scenarios where you move around a cursor and press buttons, which means they couldn't have possibly fucked up the control, a THQ staple.

Moving on, why could TTTE&F be their best game? There are a few reasons. First, this game is a kiddie version of Mega Man! (ZOMG!) You choose which point you want to visit and you get dropped into the level to do crazy things like trivia quizzes and puzzles and races with Thomas' friends (I tell you, this is one step away from "Death Race 2000 with Thomas & Friends").

There's also a pretty blatant ripoff of Pipe Dream, originally developed by Assembly Line in Europe for the Amiga. Of course, TTTE&F was developed by Software Creations, a UK game developer in 1993, and we all know that Europe is basically the size of my backyard, so not stealing it would've been the bigger crime (this all makes sense if you think about it.) Anyway, what makes this ripoff of Pipe Dream different is that the goo doesn't start flowing (or Thomas doesn't start moving) until after you've completed your track placement! Sacre bleu!

Fuck yeah, I rule. (You know, if you think about it, it's really "Pipe Dream for the Overly Stressed", considering you can't possibly "lose" at it.)

Also, never drink and choo-choo, folks.

Not to mention:

Is that blood? What is this, Crash for children? If I didn't already have to change my diaper (remember that shitty gimmick?), I'd have to do so now.

You know, it's too bad they didn't have people tied to the train tracks for powerups or something.

Anyway, big daddy Frank told me to mention the music, by composer Geoff Follin. Follin himself is responsible for quite a bit of video game music from multiple systems. I could give examples, but I'd rather waste somebody else's time and make them do it in a response to this post!

The music in TTTE&F really is quite good, but I'm a terrible writer (as you've no doubt discovered if you've gotten this far), so I can't really describe it all too well. It's the kind of thing that could put you to sleep with a smile on your face at the end of a long day. Presumably after wearing yourself out from beating on your children because they were still playing this game going on high school.

With copyright dates of 1993, Thomas the Tank Engine & Friends never saw release likely because it was completed right in time for the NES to essentially be dead. Add to that the fact that edutainment games were never blockbuster sellers to begin with, it's somewhat of a minor miracle that this game was even finished.

It smells like the monkey house in here, so I'm done being a shitty video game journalist. I didnt bother to go over it, I didnt do any research, I made sweeping statements without examples.. fuck, I probably garnered some award nominations and some well-paying job offers with this. So, in conclusion, "Check out this shitty edu-tainment game."

kap · Posted: Mon Mar 26, 2007 9:40 pm Post subject:

And before anyone takes this one too seriously, read it again.

TheRedEye · Posted: Mon Mar 26, 2007 9:42 pm Post subject:

Kotaku called, they said they could use a man of your talents.

kap · Posted: Mon Mar 26, 2007 9:50 pm Post subject:

I was kind of hoping the Justice Department would call, I heard they needed help making some shit up about some people they fired.

KlarthAilerion · Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2007 12:53 am Post subject:

They'd probably send you an email, instead.

handofg0d · Joined: 13 Jun 2006 Posts: 454 Location: PA

TheRedEye · Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2007 4:42 pm Post subject:

Yeah, but that's nowhere near accurate, that's just MobyGames' database.

ClamIAm · Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2007 4:42 pm Post subject:

A+ article. Why aren't these on the front page again?

Smeg · Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2007 4:52 pm Post subject:

Right off the bat, that list is missing every C64 game Follin worked on as well as Ecco: Defender of the Future.

ICEknight · Joined: 15 Dec 2003 Posts: 356

TheRedEye · Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2007 7:46 pm Post subject:

GDRI · Joined: 29 Nov 2006 Posts: 276

TheRedEye · Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2007 8:30 pm Post subject:

Two random C64 Software Creations ports off the top of my head that Geoff composed the music for: Chester Field and Aigina's Prophecy.

kap · Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2007 8:49 pm Post subject:

Smeg · Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2007 11:45 pm Post subject:

handofg0d · Joined: 13 Jun 2006 Posts: 454 Location: PA

Akumu · Joined: 17 Jun 2006 Posts: 16 Location: In my mom's womb

I'm still wondering why Skrybe's site doesn't work at either my mom or my father's place

kap · Posted: Thu Mar 29, 2007 1:52 am Post subject:

Can you ping www.skrybe.net? Maybe your nameservers are outdated pieces of shit, maybe your virus scanner is, maybe something else.

KingMike · Joined: 04 Nov 2003 Posts: 542

Sardius · Staff Joined: 21 Sep 2003 Posts: 461 Location: Austin, TX

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